Monday, November 23, 2009

Amazing Grace

There are a few songs in the English language that for some reason bring tears to my eyes. Specially the one named "amazing grace", and i never stopped to think why. But today, as i sang it in church, i started to really pay attention to the parts that upset me, and realized that it is not the beautiful lyrics that get me, is the fact that i still struggle with the notion of an unconditional love from a father. As an adult, i understand that God loves me, but there's a part of me that thinks that i have to do "things" to earn that love...That somehow, if i don't, God will revise his list and cross me out. That somehow he made a mistake choosing me, and that as such, i need to keep proving my worth. I think this way of irrational thinking comes from the kind of relationship i have, or lack of having i might say, with my father on Earth. In this world, love is conditional. In His, is eternal. So simple, yet it's taking my whole life to understand it. As a geek that loves science, i won't be able to rest until i dissect this song and explain what i feel about its parts...Why it makes me feel better to expose my heart like this, i don't know, but it does. Someone told me once that writing was therapeutic, that there's healing in just taking it out. I just have this need to write my thoughts tonight, and i can't sleep thinking about it...So might as well do it.
Amazing grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me
Even as i was not what people would typically consider a wild child, i have struggled with lies and being a manipulative bitch (as someone called me once- after i broke his heart), and i lived for myself only, easily disregarding other people's feelings. I was my own idol, and as all idols, my feet were made of clay. I'd appear as a happy confident woman to those that didn't know me, even cold. But the truth is that i was looking for that unconditional love from a father that i never had, in relationships where i was adored, but in which i didn't have to get too involved myself. For once, i wanted to be the one rejecting, ignoring- it made me happy to see grown men crying for me, i remember deliberately hiding from one guy because i knew he'd be hurt, that gave me joy...I am amazed at how God has changed my life, my way of thinking, my heart, from the inside out. And i didn't deserve it then, and i certainly don't deserve it now, but God loves ME, for who i am, He chose me- with all my flaws.

I once was lost, but now I'm found Was blind, but now I see
You know what the worst part is? I didn't even know i was lost. I was unhappy, yet convinced that i was as happy as anyone else around me, so why change anything...

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear And grace my fears relieved
So far, I've done many of the things i most fear... I moved away from my family, had a child, trusted a man with my heart, went over a hanging bridge, traveled by myself, went to a big city and found my way there by myself, and every time i did i was thinking that my old self would had been so wrapped up in her fears, that she would have probably passed on this experiences, regretting it, but still unable to move forward. I am a better me, and it's all thanks to Him. I'm fearless because he gives me strength, even when i feel i don't have any...

How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
It still does.

My chains are gone I've been set free My God, my Savior has ransomed me And like a flood His mercy rains Unending love, Amazing grace
There was a big flood here last year, the first one I've seen up close. The only one i had the chance to, for normally floods were things i saw on TV happening to other people. I was humbled by how strong water can be, how it is almost impossible to contain. The thought of God's love being that powerful, that it is so strong, is more clear to me now after that. I can see how this love has washed away the chains i made for myself, the ones i was so comfortable in. He paid my price, and there was nothing i could have done to change his mind. Nothing.

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures He will my shield and portion be As long as life endures
This is one of the parts where i struggle the most. I know He wants the best for me, but i have little faith, it doesn't take much for me to start worrying. I struggle to trust Him, as i struggled to trust my earthly father, who was never there for me, i tend to think this God will also have better things to do (missionaries dying for him in remote corners of the world, for example) than to spend any time listening to my prayers, that are as flawed as I am. My brain tells me they're not the same, my heart takes me down that road time and again... I understand in a rational way that He is my shield, i just sometimes don't feel it, and therefore falsely get to the conclusion that He is not there (feelings are so deceiving in themselves)...And the thought that i don't need anything but Him gets challenged every time i get a new catalog, or i start looking around me...And despite all these, He still loves me.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow The sun forbear to shine But God, Who called me here below Will be forever mine Will be forever mine You are forever mine
Forever mine :) this is the best promise I've ever heard...

The song was written hundreds of years ago, but no matter what version of it i hear, it brings me to tears. Tears of sadness for the truth in it, and joy because I've finally found that never ending love i so longed for, all my life. He even gave me a taste of this love on Earth, by giving me a wonderful man to care and love, for me and my daughter. As he sleeps here by my side, i give thanks for all that he is, even the parts i don't like. For i wouldn't change him for all the gold in the world. My unconditional love call, answered in so many wonderful ways.
Now, all out of words, i can rest. Until tomorrow.